So I'm the Cause...

After spending time with my best friend last week, I finally realized I'm a lovable person just as I am; that I'm not completely ugly; and that my love means something to him. I was determined to keep these things in the front of my mind. It's the first time in my life that I've really understood and believed them.

Then I came home....

When I asked him, my husband tells me I'm the cause of the failure of our marriage because I don't pay enough attention to him, and because of my horrible attitude. I'm told that when I tried so hard for 2 years to be everything he wanted me to be, it came across as condescending. I told him this afternoon that I'm at a loss of how to fix things then and suggested counselling - he wouldn't hear of it. He says if we can't fix ourselves, no one can; that he's not going to go to some idiot therapist and have him tell him everything that's wrong with him. He believes we'll end up being fake around each other because we'd be trying out what the therapist has suggested.

We've had the same conversation about therapy several times over the last few years. I'm starting to get the impression that he really doesn't want to fix things. Perhaps he's too proud to leave me (what would his parents think??), so he's trying to push me into it.

I asked him if he was happy - he said no. I asked him if he wanted to change that - he said yes, but he wasn't sure how. I told him I didn't know how, either, and that's why I had suggested getting help. Again, he told me he wasn't willing to go down that road. So I asked him if there was anything I could do to make him happy - he didn't know. I asked him to think about it and get back to me.

I don't have a clue what do do next. After years of being told I'm not a good wife, is it finally time for me to ask him for a break? And if I did that, would it really resolve anything? When I mentioned it in the past, he told me he would never give me a break - he'd consider it giving up and that would be the end of things. But would it really matter? He hasn't toouched me a years, with the exception of a short hug/kiss now & then...after I asked for it. When I attempt t snuggle on the couch with him, he pulls away and tells me it's too hot, or, his back hurts so he has to sit up straight, etc....

Weight

When your husband is definitely not attracted to you anymore; but stares at a slim, half dressed girl on the dance floor, it doesn't really make you feel very good. How do you beat that??

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Can't Sleep

I can't sleep again tonight. My mind won't shut down. I keep thinking about:
*the Jeep Liberty I'm getting...but not for another 2 DAYS! I haven't been this excited about something since I got my Siberian Husky puppy Bandit
*the new software I learned about today at work. It'll really help with assigning tasks to the Canada Systems Dept
*how I HAVE to somehow calm down enough to get to sleep, or I'll be exhausted tomorrow
*the interview I have tomorrow afternoon with another perspective Systems employee
*all the tasks Tim would like me to do
*wishing I had a child of my own

....It doesn't stop there. My mind just jumps from one topic to another. I wish I could sleep. I thought I'd try getting all this out of my head and on paper. Perhaps that'll help clear it? We'll see....

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I Can't Stand The Wait!

So I applied for financing on a 2006 Jeep Liberty on Saturday. I have to wait until at least tomorrow at noon to find out if I've been approved. I can't stand the wait! I'm trying so hard not to get excited so I won't be so disappointed if it falls through.

Since I want to find the positive in everything, if I don't get approved, then I won't have the additional debt. And I can just focus on paying off my credit card debt.

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Lost

I'm losing the path...I need my rock back to guide me. I miss you so much tonight. Good night; I love you.

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I Miss You More Today Than I Did 3 Months Ago

I miss you more today than I did 3 months ago when I lost you. Has it only been 3 months?! It feels like years. Life is so very lonely without you, my love, my best friend. Do you ever think of me? Most likely not. You have your own life; your own family. And that's OK. All I ever want for you is happiness. Are you happy? I sincerely hope so.
Sometimes I cry myself to sleep at night; thinking about all you taught me, all you showed me, how you loved me. Last night was one of those nights.
I blame myself for losing you. If I had not encouraged you, we would probably still be friends.
Though I've slipped a little behind, I've not strayed down the path we started together - the journey towards God. That's still something that's most important to me. It's just a LOT harder doing it without your guidance. Your insights were invaluable to me. You got me thinking outside the tiny box I was brought up in. I miss those left-field insights.
In fact, I miss being able to simply send you a smile in the middle of the day. To talk about the most random things - just to know you're thinking about me.
I will always love you. Someday, perhaps, I'll be able to hear from you again.

I'm Sorry Karen - Written May 13, 2009

I'm sure you hate me, and rightly so. I hate myself for the immense pain & anger I've caused you. Most likely this will not mean anything to you, but I am truly sorry. My only intent was guidance - ironically, back to the Lord. While that was slowly happening, it is COMPLETELY my fault for escalating it beyond that. I cannot say that enough. It is only my fault. I was made well aware of how much you are loved and how important you are. Yet, I'm the one that pushed those boundaries.
You were paid the highest compliment one time recently: its been noticed that you have spent time in the presence of God and his fragrance still lingers on you. I am in awe of that. It is what I hope will be said of me one day. I tell you this because I want you to know how dearly loved you are.
I also want you to know I will leave you & your family alone. I've finally figured out the world does not need me. As we all know, all I do is cause pain. Again, I am so sorry for everything I have done - it will not happen again.