Can't Sleep

I can't sleep again tonight. My mind won't shut down. I keep thinking about:
*the Jeep Liberty I'm getting...but not for another 2 DAYS! I haven't been this excited about something since I got my Siberian Husky puppy Bandit
*the new software I learned about today at work. It'll really help with assigning tasks to the Canada Systems Dept
*how I HAVE to somehow calm down enough to get to sleep, or I'll be exhausted tomorrow
*the interview I have tomorrow afternoon with another perspective Systems employee
*all the tasks Tim would like me to do
*wishing I had a child of my own

....It doesn't stop there. My mind just jumps from one topic to another. I wish I could sleep. I thought I'd try getting all this out of my head and on paper. Perhaps that'll help clear it? We'll see....

Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

I Can't Stand The Wait!

So I applied for financing on a 2006 Jeep Liberty on Saturday. I have to wait until at least tomorrow at noon to find out if I've been approved. I can't stand the wait! I'm trying so hard not to get excited so I won't be so disappointed if it falls through.

Since I want to find the positive in everything, if I don't get approved, then I won't have the additional debt. And I can just focus on paying off my credit card debt.

Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

Lost

I'm losing the path...I need my rock back to guide me. I miss you so much tonight. Good night; I love you.

Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

I Miss You More Today Than I Did 3 Months Ago

I miss you more today than I did 3 months ago when I lost you. Has it only been 3 months?! It feels like years. Life is so very lonely without you, my love, my best friend. Do you ever think of me? Most likely not. You have your own life; your own family. And that's OK. All I ever want for you is happiness. Are you happy? I sincerely hope so.
Sometimes I cry myself to sleep at night; thinking about all you taught me, all you showed me, how you loved me. Last night was one of those nights.
I blame myself for losing you. If I had not encouraged you, we would probably still be friends.
Though I've slipped a little behind, I've not strayed down the path we started together - the journey towards God. That's still something that's most important to me. It's just a LOT harder doing it without your guidance. Your insights were invaluable to me. You got me thinking outside the tiny box I was brought up in. I miss those left-field insights.
In fact, I miss being able to simply send you a smile in the middle of the day. To talk about the most random things - just to know you're thinking about me.
I will always love you. Someday, perhaps, I'll be able to hear from you again.

I'm Sorry Karen - Written May 13, 2009

I'm sure you hate me, and rightly so. I hate myself for the immense pain & anger I've caused you. Most likely this will not mean anything to you, but I am truly sorry. My only intent was guidance - ironically, back to the Lord. While that was slowly happening, it is COMPLETELY my fault for escalating it beyond that. I cannot say that enough. It is only my fault. I was made well aware of how much you are loved and how important you are. Yet, I'm the one that pushed those boundaries.
You were paid the highest compliment one time recently: its been noticed that you have spent time in the presence of God and his fragrance still lingers on you. I am in awe of that. It is what I hope will be said of me one day. I tell you this because I want you to know how dearly loved you are.
I also want you to know I will leave you & your family alone. I've finally figured out the world does not need me. As we all know, all I do is cause pain. Again, I am so sorry for everything I have done - it will not happen again.

What Is the Point Anymore - Written May 12, 2009

What is the point anymore? I've just lost the best friend I ever had. The only person in the world I could be my true self with. The only person who understood me. The one who taught me how to love; who showed me what true love really is; how beautiful it is. Most important of all, the one who guided me back to God.
Why?!! Why? WHY??!! I don't understand. And now I don't understand what the point is anymore. Why should I go on? What does it matter? It really doesn't. Some people would argue that I may have others in my life that would care. Let me stop you right there and assure you I do not. So, again I ask, what is the point?
Who the heck am I going to turn to for advice? For strength? For someone just to listen to me? Who will I share life's little triumphs with? No one. So will there ever be any more triumphs? Nope. I am dead inside. I do not want to be comforted. I do not want to go on. I no longer care about anything but the Lord. I want to be with Him.

*Steven
*Dad
*Mr. Schoonaveld
*Husband
*Faith
*How I view myself
*Doug